I feel an onset of a new wave of depression coming along. This is either going to make me or break me.
Everything is going well for me. I am making 103% of my salary band at work, being awarded “excellent performer” and probably looking at a promotion this year.
I can’t stop thinking about my father. Random facebook comment phrase keeps ringing in my ears and mind : “the fate of brown people who can’t be turned in to a token”…. the fate of my father.
Due to the circumstances he died in, his medical file is plastered all over the internet because he was catalogued as unidentified. I googled his name last night, to see his medical file. But i found a forum instead.
A year and a half ago when i got news of his death, there were no comments on that forum. But last night was different.
There was a thread of real people – exchanging ideas on how they could locate his loved ones. And one guy recognized my father from the streets. One man who saw my father at his worst. There is a man who remembers him.
He pitied my father, hope his family is at rest now, and described my father as “VERY MENTAL” and having seen him almost every day at a spot he walked by for work in the morning.
This one man is my last hope. I joined the forum and dropped him a message, commented on the forum and added him as a friend. I just want to talk to this man. You have no idea how much hearing back from this man means to me. It means the whole world.
I suppose my mom was right. My father had to have been mentally ill to end up on the streets.
A frenzy of google searches related to common psychological diseases amongst the homeless followed. My heart kept breaking and breaking in to a million slivers till I could take it no more.
I cried myself to exhaustion and finally fell asleep at 5 am. I woke and checked gmail in a frenzy, hoping for notification from said man. Did he reply? Did he see my comment? When was said man last active? Does he think I am spamming him?
I would like to continue functioning in my life as if everything is normal. But who am I kidding. I can’t do this anymore. I am tired of pretending to cope when I am falling apart in to pieces at every step.
It’s enough to know your father died on the road with only one shoe, sweater and pants…and a whole other deal to know he was also very mentally ill while being forgotten by society.
This is by far the biggest burden life has given me and I need to figure out how to live with this.