Lost. 

I hate myself. I really do. There are days when I want to disappear. I feel despicable, and unworthy and of no purpose. 

I feel tired. I feel dragged down, and I feel like nothing. Yet, a part of me relishes this feeling. It’s liberating in its own way. I don’t know how or why, but it is. 

Control – I try and achieve it wherever possible. I thrive on certainty, of knowing things well, of making thoughtful decisions. I pride myself in being rational. To say the past few weeks have been rough on me would be quite an understatement. 

I feel as if I have failed myself. I feel as if I know nothing. I feel clueless. I hate this feeling, it scares me. I’m trying to grab any piece of objectivity I can and end up shooting myself in the face in the process. I am lost and I am broken. 

I feel I’m in a situation where I am being set up to fail. I feel I have no control of the course of my life anymore. I feel weak and hurt. I have been hurt. I am heart broken and I have lost a piece of myself. I am clueless and I don’t know what to do. All I want is to fix things but it involves work and effort from someone who is not me and someone I don’t trust fully. 

I don’t think I am made for this. There must be more to my life than this looming unhappiness. There must be. 

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Dictation Tool

I’m so deeply disappointed while extremely ecstatic today. I launched a photography venture not so long ago and it’s been gaining traction through word of mouth. 

I signed on a couple today for a wedding and I am super excited for that. On the other end one of my oldest friends unhired me from shooting her wedding. It was all done so poorly that it broke my heart and as much as it pains me, I think I am gonna draw the line on the amount of bullshit I have to absorb. That means I’m going to be skipping her wedding. 

No matter what happens, I always try and be genuine in my life towards other people. I personally have been disappointed so many times. It’s always a mixed bag, you never know who is the next one to surprise you. It’s often the people that you least expected. 

On the contrary, I’m very excited for this weekend. It’s Fourth of July which means will be getting drunk and shit faced while celebrating the little freedom we have left in this country. Lately, I’ve been very worried about my boyfriend. From the looks of it, it seems as if he was not able to get into any residency programs in Puerto Rico for the summertime. 

He can be so very hard on himself. He’s always there spreading positivity and good thoughts into my life, and for brief moments, I sometimes feel I’m not doing the same. 

However, it’s important for me to realize that our roles in this relationship all completely different. I am certainly more pessimistic about the world then he Is, and he has a natural ability to see all the great things in people whereas I have the natural ability of crushing his dreamer status and bringing him back to earth.  

I suppose you could say I’m far too grounded into reality, in fact I won’t even call it a reality, it’s actually an over analyzed worst case scenario version of reality. 

To be honest, I have no idea why I wrote this post to begin with, actually I didn’t even write it. I used dictation on my iPhone. I enjoy the dictation feature very much, especially while I’m driving on the road and need to focus my attention. Right now, I’m speaking into the dictation tool using an English accent that is sort of crossed with an Irish accent. Very few people know this about me, but I love to mimic accents from around the world, and I am better able to do it the more I travel to places and pick up the local dialect. 

So far the iPhones dictation tool has been working very well. I’m going to give it some rest though, and Call it a night. 

Long Streak

I feel an onset of a new wave of depression coming along. This is either going to make me or break me. 

Everything is going well for me. I am making 103% of my salary band at work, being awarded “excellent performer” and probably looking at a promotion this year. 

I can’t stop thinking about my father. Random facebook comment phrase keeps ringing in my ears and mind : “the fate of brown people who can’t be turned in to a token”…. the fate of my father. 

Due to the circumstances he died in, his medical file is plastered all over the internet because he was catalogued as unidentified. I googled his name last night, to see his medical file. But i found a forum instead. 

A year and a half ago when i got news of his death, there were no comments on that forum. But last night was different. 

There was a thread of real people – exchanging ideas on how they could locate his loved ones. And one guy recognized my father from the streets. One man who saw my father at his worst. There is a man who remembers him. 

He pitied my father, hope his family is at rest now, and described my father as “VERY MENTAL” and having seen him almost every day at a spot he walked by for work in the morning. 

This one man is my last hope. I joined the forum and dropped him a message, commented on the forum and added him as a friend. I just want to talk to this man. You have no idea how much hearing back from this man means to me. It means the whole world. 

I suppose my mom was right. My father had to have been mentally ill to end up on the streets. 

A frenzy of google searches related to common psychological diseases amongst the homeless followed. My heart kept breaking and breaking in to a million slivers till I could take it no more. 

I cried myself to exhaustion and finally fell asleep at 5 am. I woke and checked gmail in a frenzy, hoping for notification from said man. Did he reply? Did he see my comment? When was said man last active? Does he think I am spamming him?

I would like to continue functioning in my life as if everything is normal. But who am I kidding. I can’t do this anymore. I am tired of pretending to cope when I am falling apart in to pieces at every step.

It’s enough to know your father died on the road with only one shoe, sweater and pants…and a whole other deal to know he was also very mentally ill while being forgotten by society. 

This is by far the biggest burden life has given me and I need to figure out how to live with this. 

Today in Adulting – Vol 1

The incompetent neighborhood post office emptied out my mailbox, put a vacancy notice in it (because I didn’t check mail for a week), and destroyed my unregistered mail which includes my Global Entry ID card. They returned my brand new passport to Arkansas – and it may as well be lost forever.

West Melbourne Water Bills have switched to a new system where you are required to enter a pin for your account # every time you pay your bill, except that pin cannot be changed or customized to something you can ACTUALLY remember, so if you’re like me and don’t have it tattooed on your right buttock, you have to call and ask them what it is – EVERY SINGLE TIME.

No news on my clearance from the govt, so I am mentally preparing to pay for a $300 Pakistani visa to go home this year, on a passport that the USPS does not want me to receive.

And then they wonder why people don’t stand up for the stupid national anthem.

Breaking Bad

I lost my bathing suit a couple months ago. As I planned a little getaway to Siesta Key this weekend, I ventured out to get a new one piece similar to my beautiful lost one but failed miserably. So I ended up doing the unthinkable; I got a two piece.

To my surprise it was actually not a bad fit at all and was very comfortable. I was also astonished at how not so awful I look in a two piece and it has dawned on me that years of psychological abuse over physical appearance from my mom, relatives and Pakistani friends can really make you subconsciously believe you’re hideous. 

This one’s for all the motherfuckers who fat shamed me in the past and will probably slut shame me in the future (that is if they don’t already). Cheers to overcoming psychological road blocks! 

Glass Ceiling

I don’t know of it’s “adulting” or just plain mental exhaustion, but I definitely feel I am a short brown girl always fighting off some force of the world. Life seems to be a constant struggle and I’m just a below average swimmer trying to stay afloat. 

While a lot of things have gone great recently, a lot of others have also gone wrong; and I am trying really hard to mentally process it but sometimes it’s too much to handle. 

Recently I got rejected by the University of Florida for their masters program. It makes me angry because I surpassed all their program requirements – GPA, GRE Score, etc. by a large margin. They told me my academic record is “problematic”. 

Those of you who have been following my blog for a long time know that my academic life was full of turmoil and struggle. I dropped out of college in my sophomore year. I was severely depressed, and not in a good place in my life. I worked hard during this time. I attended community college, sought help for my mental health, and was on medication for a long time. I returned and graduated within two years in top 20% of my class. I did well, better than anyone else. I was lucky I had help from a few close friends, and the resources to put myself through school. 

I know that when you have seen rock bottom, it always seems like an accomplishment to come out of that situation. It’s been a long time since I was in that place, but never have I ever felt apologetic. My academic record ended up being stellar and much better then almost every other person I knew in my program. 

In my eyes, overcoming adversity is a strong characteristic. A lot of the people who extended job offers to me before my graduation also shared my sentiment. 

So, when the University of Florida told me that my rough patch is their reason to reject me, my first emotion was anger. Then, I felt self-pity and self hate. Now, I am just heartbroken. 

I could go on and on of all the petty things that pile together and weigh on me and eat awat at my self-confidence and self-esteem, but what good has that done anyone right?

People say that sharing your troubles makes it better, but I don’t feel better. I feel like a self-centered dick hogging for attention from anyone who would be willing to listen. This is very ill suited to my personality. 

Socially Awkward

I worry a lot. Sometimes I worry about things I don’t usually bother about. And then when I can’t wrap my head around them, I realize why I decide to live without emphasizing on them. 
I always tell my friends – and they generally agree, that I am an acquired taste. Kind of like asparagus. 
I have never really bothered to be accepted fully by people, pleasing others has never been on my life agenda. However, there are always some people that you want on your good side whether you like them or not. That’s where life for people like me gets very difficult. 

I try and relate to people as much as I can, but sometimes the roadblock is just too big. This problem is very prominent in my relationships with women. I’m not very well versed in fashion, I definitely do not know proper etiquette of how to gossip about others. The biggest problem is that I can be very insensitive with my crude and blunt sense of humor. Basically – all the odds are stacked against me. 
I don’t know. 

Forging An Attitude

I have had a rough couple of weeks and sometimes things going on in my life consume my thoughts to such a degree that writing them out and arranging them in an array feels like an incredibly daunting task. 

I have seriously considered hiring a housekeeper. It’s not that I am incapable of cleaning or doing simple chores, but there are other things in my life that trump the desire to get down and dirty on my bathtub every Sunday. 

I have missed being in shape for a while now and I have finally taken some control back of how I want to get back in to physical activity. One of the biggest strides I have made is finally learning how to swim, and I am excited for the day I can finally swim strong. I have a problem with my kicking but a couple of people have been helping out with it. 

Truthfully as the days go by, I find myself becoming more and more of an introvert. I have faced certain people recently who dont seem to be very receptive or friendly towards me, and their behavior has seriously led me to deep thought. If you know me personally on any level, most likely you think I am a social butterfly. The truth is, I only open up in environments that are friendly. 

In a way, you can say that when my surroundings are positive, I flourish in social settings. Owing to the fact that my friends or people that I hang out with are generally fun loving and warm hearted, I have never actually considered the possibility that I am very introverted. 

But I have realized that the person I am interacting with pretty much dictates the relationship that I have with them. This is scary because it makes me feel that somewhere I may be socially incompetent. However, I do know that I would much rather continue being that way then try and forge an attitude that does not come naturally to me. 

Mysoginistic Asshole

I have never been a strong advocate of feminism or marriage, or both. I don’t even believe in gender disparity, or the institution of marriage and what people have made of it. However, deep down inside I do get a little mad when people weigh us women on a bent scale. It’s just not fair.

Some guy I met yesterday at a friends’ get together told us in so many words that he doesn’t believe in monogamy, and while I respect and even partially side with him on the fact that monogamy is not a natural instinct or very sustainable, his views didn’t come from a point of social evolution that dictated him to have a more fluid sexuality. He came from a very misogynistic place in life. The kind of place where he freaked out when I asked if he would be okay with introducing another man in his bedroom. “That shit is straight up gay” is what he said – yet somehow he expected his “main” female companion to be accepting of any “side” girls in the room. Well, isn’t that shit just straight up lesbian?? A female equivalent of him has every right to be appalled by being put in a situation where she is not really in to the girl, but has an obligation to be accepting of her due to her partners’ interests.

In my opinion the fashionable “open, non monogamous” relationship of our times is less of a celebration of acceptance and openness within our sexual lives and more of a gateway for men to indulge their lustful instincts on the moral dilemmas of the women they are with. I have met and known a fair share of couples in open relationships – and rarely have I seen an actual cohesive relationship at play. Most of the times the women are okay with other partners as long as they choose them… WHAAT? How is this giving your partner any freedom? All of the men are straight up uncomfortable and unaccepting of the possibility of their girlfriends dating or sleeping with other men, and in the cases they are willing to live with it – it is an aggressive stance where they don’t want to know, talk or pry about it.

I honestly believe that the man’s ego is very fragile. They can’t see their women enjoy the same privileges as them – not in life and no way in bed. So what’s the point? As a hetero female with a high sex drive, I would love to experiment beyond the world of two’s. If my partner suggests a threesome the first thing that pops in to my mind are two men and me. Yet, all these couples indulging in threesomes are almost always just introducing another girl in the bedroom.

Sex is modeled to cater to the man, the hell is he gonna do with two women. One woman on the other hand – is more than capable of handling two men at once, if you know what I mean. Not only does society put women on this pedestal of weak, soft emotional beings, but also ignores any possibility that the woman too has desires. What if she doesn’t want another woman in there, what if she just wants to fuck the shit out of two beefy tall men with good cock? Who are these “non monagamous” men to say that shit is straight up gay?

Fuck you all. The misogynistic asshole goes marriage is for women, men get nothing from it. He starts itemizing the list of things a woman is gifted once she gets married, while looking me straight in the eye. “Women get security, someone to take care of them, the opportunity to cater to our offspring (eye roll – nobody wants to procreate with that IQ)”…

And yes that makes me mad, because as a woman who has her shit together, pays her bills, lends other money and has everything going for her, this is straight up ludicrous. I don’t need your money, your bills or your sperm. I let my fury mellow in to my voice, I looked to him and said: “A man like you has nothing to give to a woman like me, except maybe an ounce of respect and love which is a strictly mutual feeling. What do women get out of marriage, or companionship? What do they get by having your children? Painful breasts, C-section scars, early onset of osteoporosis, post labor PTSD, and a lifelong sentence of misery.”

Women like me don’t need men. We choose to be with them because we want to – we don’t depend on them. We don’t need their money – we have our own. We like companionship as much as our companion does. That’s what brings us together. Not some elusive force of nature that forces us to copulate with every Tom Dick and Harry walking this earth. This shit makes me straight up furious. These are the men who end up with strippers, sitting outside planned parenthood and drooping down their shorts and forced in to asshole duty because alimony. So I am sorry your dick gets more blood flow than your brain does but a woman like me doesn’t want you – and never will.

Specs and Standards

I am in a dark place. I can’t describe how it feels, except it’s self destructive and I feel incredibly sad.

As people we associate so much of success with what we can acquire. We want to buy homes and cars and have children and a family and a great job, eat at good restaurants, go on luxury vacations.

I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I just know that I feel like a failure. It’s totally my fault – I get carried away with ideas and find myself in a rut feeling like a piece of shit. I struggle accepting that my life caters to me in the best way possible. I still chase things that “MAY” make it better – but they don’t, they make me sad and upset.

Usually when I set out to do something – like buying a car or refinancing my student loans, I go in with a precedent that this is good for me… and I usually always succeed. I always find the best option for myself, the best deal and the thing that makes the most sense. This time I failed. I went on this path to buy a home and I didn’t end up with one.

I laid the ground work for it. I talked to my parents, made them agree to help me put some money down on it – which is a feat of its’ own. I got a credit report, estimated how much house I could afford using 10-15 calculators, shopped for insurance and looked in to common repair costs – I was thorough, and I was exhausted naturally…

And then I went to this seminar yesterday. New Grad Acclamations’ “How to Buy A House” and I realized that the kind of reliable, minimum maintenance home that is good for me is expensive. I can’t afford it. All I CAN afford are very old, overpriced homes that still need a lot of work. When I first started looking in to this my boyfriend assured me that getting things fixed isn’t that hard, that you can drive by Home Depot and pick up a couple of Mexicans and get the job done for cheap… and I took his word for it – until I realized I can’t do this on my own.

This makes me very angry… and I don’t know why I am so hard on myself, but I just am. I feel angry I set out to do something and didn’t get the answer I was looking for. Just like I always do, I start resenting the people close to me. I want to hide in a corner and not have anything to do with anyone. I don’t wanna see anyone, or talk.

I can’t explain how it feels to associate so much of your self worth with making the right moves in life. Seeing my father die on the footsteps of an abandoned lot only aggravated this mentality. I am scared of ending up with no money, no friends and no prospects. People are a result of their choices, and the ones I make today will define the rest of my entire life. That’s a big burden to live with and I think it is slowly eating away at me.

At this point I don’t know what to do. I was happy when I got this job – got a car I enjoy driving, started living on my own and traveling. I don’t know when all that started weighing less and the importance of acquiring homes, building equity and stashing cash became everything. I was a happy person living my life on my own terms, I have always been saving for retirement, making good investment choices, and I was certain that I am doing everything right… but now – I seemed to have lost that certainty. I am slowly being poisoned to be like everyone else, and living up to standards that I never cared about before.

Whatever it is, I am withdrawing from this arbitrary notion of success. At the end of the day, I am the only person in control of the choices I make, and I am not gonna try chase ideas that aren’t a good fit for me based on a whim. I guess that makes me a hard-headed bitch but I would much rather take that shade than allowing some pseudo standards tell me I haven’t yet earned the success in life that I happen to live with on a daily basis.

It’s all a farce, and I am paving my own path forward. I have always strongly believed in life that the people who wanna stick around do so despite everything. So, really though – what do I have to lose, right?