I am in a dark place. I can’t describe how it feels, except it’s self destructive and I feel incredibly sad.
As people we associate so much of success with what we can acquire. We want to buy homes and cars and have children and a family and a great job, eat at good restaurants, go on luxury vacations.
I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I just know that I feel like a failure. It’s totally my fault – I get carried away with ideas and find myself in a rut feeling like a piece of shit. I struggle accepting that my life caters to me in the best way possible. I still chase things that “MAY” make it better – but they don’t, they make me sad and upset.
Usually when I set out to do something – like buying a car or refinancing my student loans, I go in with a precedent that this is good for me… and I usually always succeed. I always find the best option for myself, the best deal and the thing that makes the most sense. This time I failed. I went on this path to buy a home and I didn’t end up with one.
I laid the ground work for it. I talked to my parents, made them agree to help me put some money down on it – which is a feat of its’ own. I got a credit report, estimated how much house I could afford using 10-15 calculators, shopped for insurance and looked in to common repair costs – I was thorough, and I was exhausted naturally…
And then I went to this seminar yesterday. New Grad Acclamations’ “How to Buy A House” and I realized that the kind of reliable, minimum maintenance home that is good for me is expensive. I can’t afford it. All I CAN afford are very old, overpriced homes that still need a lot of work. When I first started looking in to this my boyfriend assured me that getting things fixed isn’t that hard, that you can drive by Home Depot and pick up a couple of Mexicans and get the job done for cheap… and I took his word for it – until I realized I can’t do this on my own.
This makes me very angry… and I don’t know why I am so hard on myself, but I just am. I feel angry I set out to do something and didn’t get the answer I was looking for. Just like I always do, I start resenting the people close to me. I want to hide in a corner and not have anything to do with anyone. I don’t wanna see anyone, or talk.
I can’t explain how it feels to associate so much of your self worth with making the right moves in life. Seeing my father die on the footsteps of an abandoned lot only aggravated this mentality. I am scared of ending up with no money, no friends and no prospects. People are a result of their choices, and the ones I make today will define the rest of my entire life. That’s a big burden to live with and I think it is slowly eating away at me.
At this point I don’t know what to do. I was happy when I got this job – got a car I enjoy driving, started living on my own and traveling. I don’t know when all that started weighing less and the importance of acquiring homes, building equity and stashing cash became everything. I was a happy person living my life on my own terms, I have always been saving for retirement, making good investment choices, and I was certain that I am doing everything right… but now – I seemed to have lost that certainty. I am slowly being poisoned to be like everyone else, and living up to standards that I never cared about before.
Whatever it is, I am withdrawing from this arbitrary notion of success. At the end of the day, I am the only person in control of the choices I make, and I am not gonna try chase ideas that aren’t a good fit for me based on a whim. I guess that makes me a hard-headed bitch but I would much rather take that shade than allowing some pseudo standards tell me I haven’t yet earned the success in life that I happen to live with on a daily basis.
It’s all a farce, and I am paving my own path forward. I have always strongly believed in life that the people who wanna stick around do so despite everything. So, really though – what do I have to lose, right?