There is more blah-ness to things than I can ever describe. I am just super annoyed as I process a few thoughts in my head and it feels like I’m fixated or rather STUCK in this very uncomfortable spot I have NO way out of.
I would love to believe that the hill is a hill and not just a flat prairie but this flat land never seems to end and I really wonder whether the incline is a little too hard to notice or is it practically non-existent? It is incredibly hard to put faith in things that have been tried and tested by time and experience. Nobody really wants to go through that vicious cycle again. Electrodes in copper sulphate always turn the liquid from blue to green. How many God damn times do you have to stick the electricity in the beaker to believe it? How many people are you going to ask to note the color till you believe it. At the end of the day I guess the only way to get around it is accepting that it has, and it will always turn green. In case you find it in your heart to not want to believe that you can always reset your green algorithm to blue and keep functioning off of the unbalanced equation of green = blue for the rest of your life. In simple words, it’s called denial my friend.
It is almost irritating not to have denial in your life. The sweet bliss of it I tell you, or should I call it the fruit of the poisonous tree? I think the latter makes more sense. It is such a bad thing to harbor in your mind, one should most definitely feel relieved when you are out of it.
A few days ago I found myself watching a romantic movie or let’s just say a “soulful” movie which happened to be absorbing the rest of the audience in quite deeply. I had a real laugh, only to come back home and realize it has become so hard for me to let entertainment or stories or make-believe things pry in to me. I suppose I stand at a stage where ideas or things that are intangible have become very distant, or maybe I have distanced myself from them. I suppose time can be a real buzz-kill sometimes.
At least now I can walk without the past howling at me from the distance. It is such a burden to be stuck in time and to be torn between your fears and what is the right thing to do. I really stopped believing in what the right things are now. I don’t care. I never cared a few years ago, and I don’t know why I ever started caring to begin with. Truth be told, I think the only right thing to do in life is to follow your heart. If my heart feels like I wanna call somebody, I just do. No questions ask. Who gives a fuck. I definitely don’t, and if someone out there does, they can always come to me to get themselves set straight. I am so tired of being bound by ideas, circumstances, people and fears.
The only thing that keeps you from doing better in life is the constrictions you and people around you apply to your life. It is the worst thing to do to yourself. You must have your eyes on the stars, to make it anywhere near the clouds. In life I believe it is important to have your eyes set on bigger and better things. It does not necessarily mean that you must always be in a state of wanting more, but there should never be a patch where you have no way out. It is painful living with no light at the end of the tunnel. If all you see is darkness, how can you ever feel motivated to move towards anything. There needs to be light to give direction. I have felt sedentary for such a long time, I almost forgot how it feels to look at a source of betterment and improving as a person to be just a little more closer to the light that brightens lives. Today, I can set my eyes on a degree, and tomorrow I might just end up getting one. Today, I can see and look in to a few things. Tomorrow, I might just end up having them. What you see is what you get…Eventually…