Feeling defeated and entertaining that emotion is not my strong suite. I have always felt hopeful and being without it makes me feel weak in the knees.
I know I have built tall fragile structures on a ground that is flimsy and consistently eroding away yet still part of me still want to keep my nose above the rising surface of the water. In the end all I ever want to do is breathe regardless of whether I collapse or stand.
I see myself retreat to my shell, much like tides do when they are low. There have been so many instances I feel fooled by the idea of friendship and happiness and trust they end up washing me out completely.
Truth be told I like holding belief in all of that and above but deep in my heart I know most of these things are superficial and fake. They are great until the very people you trust an love turn sour in their hearts because you nudge them too much or talk too much about what’s what. Their curiosity, sense of care and concern erodes in to impatience and hate sooner than you expect. It is often hard to choose the bliss of the present, however short lived, over the permanent truth. You know life itself is so haunting and painful, one truth after another. It probably drives you to indulge in the occasional fantasy to take your mind off it.
But it ends in almost the same way. You and a bed of dirtiness on your floor. Your aching eyes and delirious mind. Lack of sleep and wondering where you went wrong, knowing the answer to that in your heart but holding on to the question anyway, just wanting to inflict more pain on to yourself. Just finding an excuse to keep your eyes open.
Next day the thought of the pretty little lies owns you. Here you are being the horse, when just yesterday you were riding one.