It could have been nicer but certain things like a broken heart gets in the way of what could have been. Brutality and peace do not ever go well together.
Truth be told I think about it sometimes and wonder what I was thinking back then – being in denial about all the obvious things or just being plain stupid. Maybe I just needed the time to learn and realize how to differentiate A from B and identify the course on which I want to walk on.
I see a lot of people in love nowadays and I don’t know what to feel or think of them. They are so superficial and surfaced I find it odd to even entertain the idea of such a screwed up “union”. It makes me feel proud in a twisted way. I think it is better to pour your heart out and be miserable than to just be blah and stable.
Stability might not be my strong suite and there are a few people who like to smear that in my face from time to time. It’s not a coincidence they are pretty screwed up in the head themselves so yes it does not come as a surprise to me when they decide they want to hurt you in places you did not choose to be in with your conscious mind.
I believe in love and the course of my life does not bother me. It is hard to worry about something that comes as second nature to you – falling in love from time to time is one of those things. You just know that you have it in your heart to love again, and you always will no matter how things go.
Things are just things. They happen, they wash you out and they put you through the test. But in the angry downpour and unforgiving heat of life, it is always a good idea to emerge as better, wiser and happier human beings. It makes it worth all the pain, and all the misery – the simple act of knowing that you have something valuable to carry out of it all – something money or time can’t buy you.
I would hate to be that person who lives in the cloud of her illusions and holds on to emotions, ideas and thoughts that are dated and long past the timeline. Most people think that longevity is a marker of happiness and that it has something to prove. It only proves that you’ve been bending over for a long time, by choice. In some cases, the choice is completely worth it. Those cases make me very happy, because they show a delicate balance between compromise, happiness and love. You rarely ever spot that. In most cases there is the camel and the rider. The camel will spend years being hunched down, never looking up and forming a perfect world in the endless uniform flow of the sand under it’s toes. The rider- he only has his eyes on the sky. He will ride the camel not for the camel but for the oasis – to find things in life that excite him and give him life, but cannot be his like the camel is.
The rider is always fascinated by the oasis. He will throw some food to the camel every now and then, but the fact remains that a camel is a camel. A loyal stupid servant who won’t leave because it thinks it’s life is not possible without him. Little does it know that there’s a world out there for it too…If only it looked beyond the selfish rider, and the delusions of his it’s own mind…
I never wanted a camel-like existence, even if I was convinced in my mind that I did. I do not have it in me to live a life where my back is hunched and someone else rides on it. For a long time I felt pain for not being able to give to others what a camel does. Something meaningful and monetary and just practical in nature. People make life so materialistic and full of objects it is easy to be fooled in to believing that being the camel is a privilege. Truth be told, being a camel is not a privilege, because there are too many people in life who are ever so willing to become one. If not living a compromising life means I don’t get to settle, I am more than willing to accept those odds, compared to a head-down life of uniform burning sand. Consistency once used to be my dream, but when I looked at closely for a long time, it became my nightmare.
Consistency is my nightmare, because I cannot imagine wasting a life by never exploring it. I cannot imagine growing accustomed to something so much, it has no effect on me anymore. If it doesn’t effect me, it has no room in my life. I like my existence active, not dormant.