I feel emotionally demented and heart broken. Often times in life you hope for good things, place your belief and all of life’s assets on the line because you have blind faith in something or someone. There are times that your faith just never sees the light of the day. No matter how hard you try, and no matter how many difficult choices you make, it has no bearing on how things are.
It is maybe at that point that you begin to accept the truth, and learn to give up the beliefs you have devoted your entire life to. Letting go is a long, hard and painful process. If I could go to bed today and wake up ready to move away from it the next morning, I would. But I can’t. In a way, maybe all of us long to be understood and appreciated for whatever efforts we make to stand by what we believe in.
Sometimes though, you give your all and everything goes unrecognized or greatly disliked. What you think you do out of love, hope and the desire to make things better is instead just seen as an act of greed, stupidity and competitiveness. It hurts. It is not often in life you find people for whom your heart wants to take a step in to unknown waters, and just try and try again.
What hurts the most is when you try so hard, you override what you are and put on a costume more adept to the struggle you are going through. Some things in life ask for the hard hats and the construction boots, just so you can make it out of them alive. But the journey home is not a pleasant ride. Even though you have made it, somewhere in the middle of the storm you lost yourself to time. What you started with is not what you come back to. In order to stand by your faith you lost your hopes, your dreams and the little childish faith in things that drove you to love and cherish the ideas that swarmed your life. You just never get that sense of simplicity and innocence back in life. You want to think of people in the way you once did, in a one-dimensional simple way where you would not put too much thought in to anything. But life changes you in ways hard to describe. Defeat changes you as a person. When you look at what/who you believe in the eye and they say no, you know that your life has changed forever, and you carry the pain of that with you, long after you have taken off your hard hat and kicked off those boots. The memory of your defeat is there to stay, always reminding you to be careful – especially while forming your beliefs.