What will you miss?

Some days I cut myself out from the maze I live in and just like to sit in the pot of the past, present and future. I think about you, and the simple things we shared. I think about the innocence of what we felt together and how nothing complex in nature ever emerged from the surface of our calm pond. We existed in parallel worlds, learning to appreciate each other with all our hearts, despite the small things about each other that were annoying. Sometimes I think where I lost that quality of bonding in my life. Sometimes I think the distance and thought of love made it more valuable than the sight of it.

You said I would think of you in some odd times here and there, and I do. I do think of you in some special times when I want to put my world in perspective. I think of you when I want to make peace with my inner beast, and when I seek answers to a life that is so complicated and so dense in nature. I see myself through what you saw me as. I believe I am exactly who you said I was, even though I always told you you were wrong. The truth is, you were right then, and you are still right now. I was probably someone who fooled myself in to thinking my world is who I am – dense, and twisted with a tinge of complexity too hard to crack. But in the end, I am not that person. I am just the girl you knew, and you seemed to be the only person who ever recognized that. You expected so little of me, I was always driven to prove you wrong. I always wanted to prove you wrong, and be someone who wasn’t sixteen, stupid and in love. The funny thing is that I turned out to be just that, and maybe even deeper in the world of my fantasies than what you had ever imagined.

I always thought you belittled my intelligence and tried to tell me I am too inexperienced or too young or just not qualified to live in the real world. I guess all you ever wanted to say is that I am different, not little. Time changes your perspective, and today as I sit here I can only wish someone like you could walk up to me and recognize who I am with courage and honesty. But there is no-one like you who sees me like that anymore. I probably did a good job of convincing everyone otherwise, and maybe that everyone includes you too.

I am sorry. I did not believe in you, and hence a lot of people did not believe in me. I suppose it is only fair, and I think I can accept that when I think of you.

Remember when Nicholas Cage holds the hands of those passing in to heaven, to lead them to the light in City of Angels? Be asks them what will they miss the most. Remember how their response is innocent and nothing but the truth?

It is you I will miss the most, even though you are gone. You were the closest to the truth I have ever found in a human being.


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