Sometimes I realize how choices effect the course of life. Sometimes I question choices, even though time and life have both moved on.
I think one of the most painful things is to be forgotten and disappear in the frenzy of life. Whether you choose to disappear yourself, or whether it is the people in your life who conveniently forget that you exist…either way being a nobody is nothing short of unfortunate in life.
Yesterday I sat in the breeze, in the sun sipping on a strawberry and banana smoothie watching my kind of TV. I thought about many instances in my life when I waited indefinitely…sometimes to be included, being talked to or just assimilated in to a world I was told I belong in.
The truth is that we can be told a lot of things, but not all of them are necessarily true. In life there are times you roll the dice, counting on the people who make you promises of all sorts. It is the weakness of mind that prefers to be made a false promise than having to think itself, even though the odds are slim on the former.
It is the end of the semester and I think of the past few months today as if they are a fresh wound covered in a white sheet. I have come a long way and even though most parts of the path I walked are gruesome and painful, I can look back at the past in an objective rather than skewed manner.
I saw what choices resulted in and did not want to suffer from their consequences any longer. I don’t think I owe misery to anything or anyone. I think it is unfair to be conveniently forgotten by things and people in life about whom you yourself are never forgetful or holding back.
I dream of a life where I can drown and let myself go. I dream of people who not only just give me a green flag to do so, but also hold my hand while drowning together. I think detachment and individuality in a lot of cases is like a plague and markers of insecure, scared and distorted personalities who are petrified to live, love and open theirselves to living and breathing.
As I swim in the depths of this cold sea, I only see a few people still here with me…People who willingly jumped in with me, and decided to be open, honest and expressive of who they are around me. It doesn’t matter how they are to the world, or how their nature is. They chose to open their doors to me, and show me the person they are inside. That is what love is…to share yourself. I always doubted it, but as time passes, I have arrived at the spot I started at. Believing that love is about sharing, and making exceptions against your nature and personality to make the ones you love feel loved. It is to talk to them and share with them your ugly side, or things you are normally embarrassed about talking to anyone.
Sometimes doing so will show them that you care, but sometimes it just makes people thing you’re ugly and weird…you know, because you are not scared of the risk of being perceived wrong when it comes to emotions you believe in. I have opened my heart to a number of people. Some moved on believing I am plain evil. They definitely preferred distance and dishonesty.
Some, on the other hand had an eye for honesty and acknowledged it. They knew that they were being invited in to a part that is not publicly open, and they chose to stay and give back.
I do not regret my choices, and I do not like to complain of the hurt they have caused me. Even though I was forced to give up many things and people I loved dearly, I only did so because there was no honesty or openness for me to thrive on. If your life is built around relationships that have even a grain of distance in them, the odds are you will live much happier if you are not in them. If you have to question the degree of openness of yourself or of the people you love, you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons. You cannot question foundations and continue to build on them. It is destructive.
If you are forced to be an individual despite being in union, why drag the unnecessary burden of it? The burden of a union that does not deliver…As the days pass, certainty is the only emotion that continues to grow over me and doubt is loosing its grip. I don’t know how it makes me feel, but I do know it’s happening, and that it is the truth.