A sleepless Masochist

Some nights I find it hard to go to sleep. It is not my nature but then there are always exceptions to your nature. There come days where only one thought can occupy your mind and heart. You can think of nothing but that one thing. It could be something good, or something painful.

You have no choice but to surrender to its empowering grip. Some thoughts are just so powerful. I have thoughts like that too, some amazing and some just utterly horrifying. I guess I don’t have a choice but to entertain them. I have entertained a lot of thoughts like this, and I have spent many nights with my eyes open just like this…thinking, wondering, questioning.

It seems as though everything of substance comes for a price. People who have the supposedly good things in life sacrifice a lot to keep them there. Is it worth sacrificing yourself over if you will not remain to enjoy the bliss of them? Is it worth giving in if standing up and being yourself is the only way those things stay and not stab back?

I wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they give up everything in the face of time. Maybe they are crazy, but I think they are just in denial. They shelter themselves from the truth all the time. The truth never gets to them. I guess that is what happiness is in this world. To be sheltered from the truth, till death tears you apart. I don’t know what to feel for this. While I know the truth is more often than not painful, I don’t think I can ever feel alive without feeling a certain amount of pain that comes with honesty. But then again, I guess the only thing that makes me is a masochist who just can’t go to bed.


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