Happy Birthday Papa

Today is May 23rd and it’s my father’s birthday, and like every year I am sleepless thinking about the man who was once a part of my life and is now a complete stranger. I wonder what I should do, or whether I should even consider doing anything…

I do not find it in my heart to blame him or anyone for abandonment or what they call being a good parent. When I look back at my life I see someone who has made it through a bunch of challenges and with time my nature has brought on this “ever-ready for challenges” persona.

Most people do not understand, how it feels to have a piece of your flesh and blood in human form just out there somewhere. You don’t know where and how and when. You don’t know who they are anymore. You can’t decide if you even want to know. You are curious but you are equally scared. In your present the missing piece of your life’s jig saw puzzle stares back at you and gnaws on your subconscious day and night.

It is A difficult place to be in. Many times when I visit Texas I wonder how many meters away from my missing piece would I be? What if he lives right around the corner or at a 5 minute drove from this spot? It is a thought and it heightens sometimes.

Papa, the truth is that I would find you, but I don’t know what you will say to me. I don’t know what I will tell you. I don’t know if I will like what I discover and I am afraid of being hurt again by you. You are probably the only fear that exists in my life and I suppose it’s fair – for life is impossible if you harbor none.

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