I don’t think that it is worth my time to invest more than I wouldn’t expect to be reciprocated. It goes for trust, love, friendship and hard work.
Somewhere down along this road, I have successfully unlearned the ability to “go above and beyond” in situations without incentive.
There are times the purist in me is disappointed that this had to be an unfortunate consequence of time, but when I see it with a clear head, I can make sense of it, and that is a very reassuring feeling. I don’t know when it happened, but the result is that I do not give any amount of anything to a person, situation or idea that I would expect back. I believe giving away $100 and not ever turning back or thinking about it is better than giving someone $100k and waiting on them to pay you back.
I believe it just reflects on my fear of committing to a situation, where I actually have to wait and see the seed grow in to a tree and bear some fruit. FUCK thAT.
I do expect the very worst in people because sooner or later the things you never expect of people eventually do come true. I form friendships but I never undermine the ability of people switching up every once in a while and acting out of character. Honestly I don’t think there is any such thing as character to begin with – it is just you blind sighted by your bias towards certain individuals that makes you believe that some people HAVE character. In reality, it really does not exist. How can you count on something that is merely a product of your own mind. You can’t.
Unlike a lot of people, I do treat my fellow human beings like a human. I do not harbor expectations from them to outshine themselves in absurd standards set by my dillusioned brain. I am not dillusional at all. Quite the opposite frankly. A lot of people grow a liking towards me due to this trait of mine, which in the modern world comes off as “Non-judgemental”; whatever the hell that means.
However, then it finally starts to kick in with people that I am not all what they think I am. Recently a friend of mine asked me what I would do if she violated my privacy and talked about me behind my back. I told her I do not share things with individuals that require me to watch my back. I hardly ever deem my issues to be a topic of discussion, let alone a commodity to share amongst the individuals I meet. She took a lot of offense to this and was hurt that I do not consider her as a good friend of mine and I had to be the heartless entity that needed to remind her that I did not place any such promised “friendship” on the table to begin with.
While I have to admit it gets ugly from time to time, it is a clean hassle-free life. I must add though that there are many wanderers who are motivated by what they see as a closed, shy or “enigmatic” individual. These people start swarming you and won’t give up, and while I definitely do not have the patience to plant the proverbial tree of trust and friendship and wait for it to bear fruit, I do have endless amounts of patience to be who I am, because what the hell – it doesn’t really require any work does it?
I think we live in a society that gets off of being up in everyone’s business. Individual lives are public – with or without consent. It is more and more acceptable to have others live your life, problems and pitfalls with you and I completely disagree with all of this.
At the end of the day, I am that person who minds her own business, comes across as emotionless and “difficult”… But I think I’ll take difficult over “easy” on any day of my life cz honestly, what’s the fun in keeping your doors open to everything when you have the choice to hand pick what you let in?