Things have started to get really dark. I don’t know whether to spiral in to my old habits or reach out. There are not many people I trust.
Could you blame me? I am naturally paranoid and mostly pessimistic. There are several things I should exercise faith in but I simply don’t. The only thing I fear in life is living in a delusional state and sometimes when that boundary seems near, I feel afraid. Very afraid.
Yes, I am scared. I am horrified because the consequence of my life lies in someone elses’ hands. It depends on how someone else feels. I can’t remember the last time this happened. I try and I think my mind is opening a whole other can of worms that I thought I had dug a grave for. Often times in the evening I feel the anxiety and despair consume me. I have questions that I want answered but I have to wait indefinitely.
Living alone is hard. We all know that, but living alone with baggage and no way out is harder. I try and venture out as much as I can but going places requires resources that I don’t have at the moment, and if my luck is bad enough which I am fairly confident it is — then I won’t ever have those resources. I don’t feel like eating and frankly I don’t sleep all that well either. It feels like a handful of change slips out of the hole in my pocket every time I take a breath. I feel confident that if I turn off all the power consuming bulbs in my house and tip toe in the dark, then maybe life will get better…. but it never does.. and I am tired of stumbling in to things – mostly empty plastic bags they are. You are more likely to slip on them than anything else.
I sit in my car sometimes especially when it gets dark. Nobody lurks in the parking lot in that kind of darkness. I sit there and contemplate my next move which often only amounts to an “elaborate” plan on making a couple of phone calls here and there. People can be nice but who are we kidding you know nobody made ends meet by having an “ear to listen to”… There aren’t many people who know about my state of affairs anyway.
Often times I just sit there and think maybe I should go somewhere, drive around the block and maybe it will help ease my mind. But it doesn’t. When I think of my alternative reality it isn’t so comforting either. I was given the option of selling myself out for a few legal favors recently and the stupid self respecting idiot I am – I declined to sell my peace of mind to a bastard I dated for a year. So yeah, the path A I am on is painful and the path B I had the option to be on was gonna be even more painful. All that pain really gets to me sometimes. It’s been sitting there on the back burner since months now and I haven’t had the time of day to process it because life got in the way and if I have to choose between being broke or miserable I simply don’t have the strength of character to be both at once. Instead I just put on my steel armor and choose to witness my dwindling bank account and credit card payment reminders while secretly punishing myself for not being good enough for even the lowest quality of human being available.
I sound so bitter and maybe I am. Maybe I am tired of taking the high road with every fucking person who stumbles in to my life. Maybe I want people to fall on their face now or experience pain the way I experience it – in private and in the most damaging way possible. Maybe I have grown resentful and since I am still sitting in my car in a dark parking lot outside my home I can’t help but break down and sob in to a helpless spiral. It gets me thinking – who do I really hate so much anyway? I just hate myself… I really do.