What I Need

A lot of things I talk to my close friends about these days revolve around the topic of what I need in a great partner. I suppose it’s the age I’m at and the extent of romantic trauma I have been through in my past relationship that just amplifies this sentiment in those who are closest to me and constantly looking out for me.

To be honest with you, over the past months I have been primarily busy wallowing in my emotions of sorrow and anger, and then I went on my trip and restored my sense of self worth somewhere in that circus and came back home a new person. Yet the million dollar question still lingers – What do I need?

I have been pondering over this question for a few months now, wondering and hoping and gathering insight from everyone who is confirmed to have a shred of care for me. I may not be 100% ready to answer it, but I am close and I think I want to talk about it today.

I need someone who is strong. I need a man who values my hard work, my profession and how I worked my ass off to be who I am, and where I am. I need someone who speaks with clarity, whose words, actions and thoughts are in sync and perfectly aligned as straight as an arrow. I need someone who gives me the truth no matter how harsh it is – and not just truth about my bad habits, or the things I lack in my personality or how overbearing I can be. I need the truth about things that hurt me momentarily but do me good in the bigger picture, like who else he is seeing and where exactly do I stand in his life and how he feels about me.

I need someone who needs me. I need someone for whom I am not just one of many options, I am the only option. I need someone who can be my only option and makes me want to look no more. Someone I have put through the test of time, through shitty situations and bad mood swings to see if he still wants to be around. I need someone who can stand up to me, who says yes and no with concrete reasoning and not some fucked up power trip. I need someone who can ground me and make me forget about every single other motherfucker out there. That’s how wonderful I need this person to be through the trial and error of time. I need someone who respects my family, my friends, my independence and that I need time apart from him to clear my head so I can continue being the best version of myself to him. I need a man whom my mother looks at and knows she is never going to have to worry about me again, someone whose care and presence she can leave me in when she is on her deathbed. I need someone who deserves the best of me, not only because he brings it out but because he is so wonderful that he deserves nothing less.

I want to be with someone I can argue with without fear of retaliation, or hurt feelings and grudges; someone who knows how to forgive, forget and keep marching forward towards the sun because he genuinely believes a little blip of an argument means nothing in the field of sunshine that is fueled by our love . I need someone who resolves conflict quickly and efficiently, sees the error in his ways and is not afraid to admit when he is being unreasonable or wrong. I need someone who can laugh at himself, and also laugh at me when the situation calls for it because he does not put me on a pedestal and expect perfection – to him I am a friend, companion and confidante first, and his lover after all of that.

I need a man who will make a good father one day. Someone stable, with a reserve of patience, an eye for creativity and an attitude that lets children flourish rather than be intimidated. I need a man who shows my children through his deeds that he respects and loves women, that his daughter can set out to achieve anything his son wants to, if she puts her heart and mind to it. I need a man who is on the same page as me as far as religion is concerned, because I need him to keep my children out of the harm of indoctrination and fear, and protect them from the cloaks of institutions that will mentally suppress them. I need a man who isn’t ashamed of doing things for his children around the house – like fix them a plate of food or wipe their ass. I need a provider, a protector, a fighter and a soft-hearted man.

Do I ask for much? Perhaps I do. I am so tired of feeling like I deserve any less though, that I am just this stubborn person now who won’t settle for less. My entire life I was taught girls who ask for too much are mean, and guys are irritated by them. I was taught that to earn a man’s affection you must be submissive and quiet and silence your inner thoughts with compliance, sweetness and good manners. I was taught to be the woman who gets walked all over by men because I am too nice, and I must be super lucky if someone even superficially wonderful thinks I am worthy of their time. I don’t deserve that, I put my heart and soul on the platter every single time, for men undeserving of all that I have to offer. I am so tired of playing this role of martyr – where I sacrifice everything great I have for the good of someone else, only to be sucked dry and left like none of it had any value. I am tired of being the mother to tit-sucking hungry assholes who cannot see beyond the size of my boobs and my earning potential. I am tired to prove to boys who think with their dick that with me they can finally graduate to being men. I cannot continue on this path of self-destruction and misery. I refuse to, even if it means from this day on I am my own enemy.

 

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